mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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