This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
