I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
