so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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