I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
