when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
