Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Randomize
