I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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