So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
