me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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