Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
