im about as happy as oj after his trial
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
