The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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