cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
