I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
