i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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