chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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