im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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