There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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