You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize