Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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