I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
