i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
