I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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