The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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