My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
