my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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