My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Holy sore nipples Batman
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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