I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
