it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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