When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
