sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
