I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
zippers are such a cool invention
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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