I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
