The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I lost the right to judge tonight
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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