im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
