I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
