Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
