I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
