I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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