Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
