my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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