the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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