I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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