you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
