so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
