I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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