Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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