you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
