Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
