my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
