My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
