How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
there is glitter all over my balls
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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