Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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