The maid of honor just puked.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
