Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
