Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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